He dropped the truck off then left ... couldn't say much more than, "Take care of yourself." As I opened the cap and pulled out the first of the boxes that he'd packed for me, I cried. The sonovabitch had put my wedding dress on the top. I pictured his that-will-get-her expression; I imagined the pain that he must have endured as he had placed each piece of me and our life together in its box.
Anger, guilt and an overwhelming sense of freedom washed over me. I laughed through bitter tears. As I sat in the grass, exhausted, pulling on a blade of grass, I stared at the side of the truck where he said that the dent had been. The body shop had done a good job. Fast, things had happened so fast. I told him I was gay and I was leaving.... Five days later, I moved in here. Two months to the day since he had last dropped me off at work.
I'd left with barely bag and baggage: a duffle bag filled with clothes, $200, an afghan that my Mom had crocheted for me when I'd gone off to college, and my Yamaha 6 string that I'd paid for, 14 years before, by scrubbing floors for the Task Force on Aging. Not much to take from a nine year marriage. I also took with me the sounds of Jeff crying ... begging me not to go.... His devastation rocked my being. I wondered how I'd live with the pain that I'd caused. All the man had ever wanted to do was love me. In his pain and his anger, he had outed me to family and friends. For some reason, they all still loved me. I felt that he'd betrayed me. I didn't know who I was; I couldn't explain it to anyone.... And there was her....
Two months to the day since the night she had walked me home from work. The streets were quiet. We held hands and stopped to kiss under every streetlight. Each kiss was deeper than the last. After a month of kisses, we felt free to do more. We had waited patiently.... So in love, so surprised ... so hungry. Want and need washed over me with all consuming anticipation. From the first time we had hugged, life made sense. My world was opening to her; and, I'd embraced her knowing that, even before we had kissed, she was all I would ever need or want during this lifetime. She wouldn't tell me what would happen -- wait and see. She told me that she still couldn't believe that, up until a month ago, when I had kissed her, I had never kissed a woman. She said that she was scared. I was scared that I wouldn't know how to please her. A couple of times, we had come so close to not being able to stop... Lack of alone time and me still living with Jeff had made us wait. There would be no more waiting.
We entered the grey Victorian farmhouse where I was staying until we could find a place to live. My good friend the RN, who owned the house, was working third shift ... the place was all ours. As the front door closed behind us, we stood embracing in the entryway. I felt a rush of excitement. I did not know that it was humanly possible to love this deeply. I kept whispering, " I love you" through kisses on her neck. I loved the taste of her sweat. As we walked through the house, not bothering to look for the light switches, I took her hand. It seemed to take forever to climb the stairs and to figure out which room was mine. I was befuddled and fog headed from street kisses.
I pushed the top button and the light flicked on. Brightly flowered wall paper, violets and huge daisies, covered the walls. White laced, frilly curtains hung in the windows of the three quarter round room. The woodwork was yellow pine. Large pots of geraniums bloomed on the stands that were in front of the windows. The scents from the blossoms permeated the room in wonderful surprise for the early April night. I reached over to the night stand and turned on the lamp. I closed the over head light that had glared from it's single brass chain that dangled from the ceiling. I clicked the radio on. The gestures were more a result of nervous energy than they were an attempt to create a mood. The main focus of my attention was the queen sized bed with the six foot, hand carved head board.
Elvis crooned, I Can't Help Falling In love With You. The phrase: "Shall I stay; would it be a sin? For I can't help falling in love with you..."sunk in. We danced without moving. I sang to her; my voice an emotion filled cracked whisper, finished with: Take my heart; take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you.
"Perfect," I said.
"You're perfect." She whispered, as moved by the magic of the song's timing as I.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" She gazed down at me and I saw my love's reflection in those blue eyes. I was lost ... total trust, complete devotion. The most beautiful carpenter I had ever seen was asking me if I was ready. I wanted to bury myself in her hair. I got a mental flash of the first time that I had seen her unleash that lion's mane ... of how the floor had literally warped beneath my feet and I had become weak kneed. I was more than ready.
"I love you more than anyone I have ever loved. I need to be a part of you. I want you. Love me ... teach me to love you. Please." We stood kissing. Our tongues waltzed the waltz of fire: tantalizing, combusting, engulfing, consuming ... heat. My soul ignited, burning out of control. Tentative, hungry hands found their ways beneath clothing. That first touch of her flesh on my hand; I'd never felt anything so soft.... That first touch of her hand on my flesh, searing me. I was hers. I marveled at the feel of her breast; I could not recall anything more fascinating than the feel of her erect nipple against my palm.
" Take your hair down." I asked when finally came up for air. She reached back and took the elastic out. I sucked in my breath as her tresses enveloped me. We fell onto the bed. Clothing in varied stages of unbuttoned, unzipped or off..... Murmurs, assurances, lips, tongues, hands, bodies rubbing together.... And more love than I had dreamed was possible.
"May I make love to you?" she asked. I removed my underwear in response. Slow, hot, kisses etched their ways down my stomach and rested on that spot just below my navel. A hand on my thigh brushed upward and inward ever-so-slowly. I tried my hardest not to scream out. My hips rose from the bed ... my nether regions screamed for me. She laid her head on my belly. Her silken hair covered me. My mind begged her to go further -- my body insisted. Fingertips, most marvelous fingertips, teasing, toying, testing fingertips, still not leaving my thigh. Torture. I was embarrassed by my wetness. When her fingers finally found me, my body and emotions took control of my voice.
"I love you... I loveyou, I loveyou... " I panted over and over in Mantra -- lost.
"What would you like? " she laughed.
"EVERYTHING" I whispered, surprising myself by my intensity.
" Yes, My Love, everything." Her fingers stopped toying and began exploring. Writhing, squirming, convulsing, I exploded.... Screaming her name and yelling, "Fuck me" I'm sure the voice wasn't mine... I'd never heard it before. She laughed. No ebbing, more intensity as she fulfilled my request and took me over the edge, then brought me back to safety. As I begged for still more, she did the most wonderful trick with two fingers and a thigh......
"Come're" I gasped, my throat felt dry and sore from mindless screaming. She kissed her way back up my body. Kissing her, holding her, stroking her, meshed with her...slick with sweat from poregasms, I started to cry.... Tears welled and flowed in eyegasms. Eyegasms evolved into soul wrenching sobs...my body shuddered in release, the feeling of wholeness. No words, beyond space. timeless, floating, engulfed in her, enthralled by us -- thankful.
She rocked me, as she held me closely, stroking my hair.
"You okay, Hon?"
"Thank you. Ah, all of my life, I've know that I was waiting for something. Always holding back. Never trusting anyone with all of me. I can tell you that I love you with every cell of my being... I can tell you that I need you like I need to breathe. Those are just words and can't express what I feel for you. Please let me show you... You must be dying."
"Yes, My Love"......
Moving with love and instinct, I began kissing her head, her hair and her face. I needed to know every bit of her.... Nibbling, licking, exploring her with my lips. I stayed forever at her ears. Her breathing became heavier. When I reached her throat, I felt her opening to me. She pulsated against my lips and I could almost feel her life's blood rushing through me. I kissed her harder and suckled the vein lightly. My tongue flicked up and down the artery. No longer holding back, she gave herself over to me. I moved downward along the veins in her arms and her chest kissing and suckling...the taste of her sweat sent me into sensory overload. When I got to her wrists, I tasted myself on her; and, one by one, I licked her fingers clean of me. I continued my quest downward; and, gave her a playful poop on her belly. I wanted to.... Needed to.... venture into that beauteous, unexplored territory. As I continued downward, I felt warm, wet curls against my cheek. I pulled myself away; I chewed her thigh; I sucked the back of her knee. I kissed her all the way to her toes then kissed my way back up again. I became obsessed with hunger for her tastes, and her smells and her sounds.... for all the sensations that I had denied myself for so many years.
I wanted to give this woman my love. I entered a fugue-like time warp as I became aware of every fold of skin, every vein, every piece of tissue and every orifice that gave her pleasure. My face and hands were on a mission and I loved her until she begged me to stop. I reluctantly left my most marvelous wind up toy and crawled into her arms.
"Did I do it right?" I laughed.
"Uhhuh---- lost count after 5."
"You're supposed to count them?" She pinned me to the bed; then she rolled me on top of her.
"You're my bride now."
"Yes, for always in all ways. This is the first time I've used *forever*. When I married Jeff, I knew that he was the only man that I would marry. I knew that he wasn't my forever. Maybe that's why we never had kids. I didn't want kids before."
"If I could, I'd knock you up right now."
"Let's get to know each other before we start talking about babies."
"I know we'd make good moms. We're 33. So, we can't wait too long. Maybe someday, we'll take in a foundling."
"I really do want to marry you. Will you jump the broom with me?"
"I'm yours forever. I've never felt so safe and loved. Sometimes, I feel guilty ... like I took you away. Now, I don't think you can go back. You have to make sure that you're doing this for you."
"It's taken me a long time to say that I'm a lesbian. Guess what? I'm Queer. I knew from the moment I met you last summer, that you were the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.... I just knew. You've left a lot too."
"I spent the last eight months fighting and sleeping alone."
"If You're sure."
"I love you more than anything."
"I promise to be good to you."
"I know you will."
"Much too much talking." I kissed her. Taking her tongue into my mouth, I sucked it. She moaned.... round two.... round three ... round four......
When we woke, she was still inside me.
"Oh shit!" She said. "It's 8:00 and I'm late for work."
"Oh shit!" I said, " I should cancel my 9:30 PAP Smear"
" I Will Love You Forever." I swore.
I looked up from my flashback, grinning. It had been three days since we had last been together. I missed her terribly. A total distraction, she lurked constantly in my thoughts. She was a specter in my dreams. I woke up talking to her. Even though she lived across town, I continued the conversation as though she could hear me. The connection was so complete
that I was sure that she got my her thoughts telepathically. I knew that she'd love the flowers I had sent to her apartment ... white tea roses, her favorites. I had mailed her a card with a poem in it thanking her for joining her life with mine. We had sat up half the night looking through books and checking out wedding ceremonies ... the other half of the night, we made love. All of my life, I had been repeating the phrase: I wanna go home. Until I had been with her, I had no idea what going home meant. She was my home. I couldn't wait until the middle of the month when I could move into her apartment. I looked forward to doing all those couple things, like making dinner together and fighting over the littlest thing so we could kiss and make up. And, I wanted her. She had awakened a part of me that I had no inkling could be so strong. She teased me about what she had unleashed.
Three days without sex seemed like exile.
I saw her red Honda turning down the street. She was supposed to be at work. I hoped we could have a little anniversary quickie before I had to go into work. I'd have settled for lunch. She drove past the driveway and pulled to the side of the road.
"Look, Jeff just dropped the truck off. The sonovabitch put my wedding dress on top of one of the boxes." I yelled as I ran toward her car. I stuck my head through her window and kissed her. "Hey wife, I've missed you."
"Shhhhhhh, no kisses." She stared down at the steering wheel and spoke very quietly.
"I have something to tell you...." Someone must have died and they had sent her to tell me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I feel like such an asshole. Tonight, I'm going to ask Beth to take me back ... if she'll still have me. It's not that I don't love you -- Don't ever think that. I need her. I only hope she can forgive me for the harm I caused. I hate myself for doing this to you. You've already put down your security deposit... I feel guilty about that. I'm such a jerk... I made promises that I had no business making."
I watched outside of myself as my left half tore away from my body; and, the half of me that was her bride lay hanging by skin, bleeding to death on the pavement. The shredded half that was her best friend, stood beside the car and spoke to her.
"This is your best friend speaking." The voice had an otherworldly tone to it.
"I'm worried about you. You say she shoves you and she screams at you.... She breaks the furniture that you made. This is a potential abusive situation. I don't want to see you harmed. Please get some help for the both of you. Do what you need to do, then come home. I think You're just scared. This love is just too powerful for you right now. You'll be back."
"You think so? I need to go ... on the clock."
"Well, If You're gonna dump someone, might as well get paid for it. Sorry. That was mean."
"It was honest... I deserved that."
"That's the point, Hon. You don't deserve to be hurt."
"I gotta get out of here."
I leaned in and brushed her lips. " I love you. Hurry home. My doors always open...always in all ways...always in all ways." Tears welled but, failed to fall. I stepped away from the car and she drove away. I watched her drive around the corner. I gingerly picked up her bride from the pavement. She was dead. I had this gaping hole in my side and numbness blessed numbness. I stumbled into the house, got ready and with my feet on auto pilot, I walked to work.
I WILL WAIT FOR HER...............
As I round every corner
Hope is alive
That I will see you
And that you will waken me
I've been on auto pilot
Waiting for you
I had to turn off
Many of the beautiful
Sensations of you
So I can keep what's left
Of my sanity
You're not here
I've tried to forget
The way we melted
Into each other.
I've been flayed
My skin hurts
Dug out the box
I am motionless
Fixated on the telephone.
I will not pick it up
I Will Not Pick It Up
I WILL NOT PICK IT UP
As your number screams
Inside my head.
I know she's with you.
I hate me
I understand you
And I have to
Leave you alone.
I run through the house
Screaming your name
I am alone
No one sees me
Pounding my fists upon the floor
-- A sight no one, but you
I'm too cool
All of my masks
I curl into a ball
I carried you around
Still partially attatched
To my left side.
You were dead
And I wandered around
Holding the best
Part of me
You were gone.
A mass of rotting tissue
reeking, oozing, putrid... horrific
Where her bride
Happy, pure, alive... good.
She left you
To die on the side of
As your life gushed
She left me to
Take care of you
I carried you with me
Until your decaying
Started to seep into
The hole in my side
Festering, infected... gangrenous
You were killing me
I was becoming a zombie
And I knew that I
Had to bury
I severed you
And I laid you to rest.
The bride in me
Flashback l l
I looked over
And my left side
Torn from shoulder
To the rib just below my heart
Kept me from sleeping:
Watching her drive off
In the red car
Feeling her bride
Bleed to death
On the pavement...
Seeing only half of me
Over and over
Waking up screaming
The front end
Of the city bus
Dared me to kiss
As I crossed
Wanting to join
With my other half
"GO PAT THE CAT"
The voice inside my head
I crossed to safety
Cricket got lots of attention
She saved my life
I chose to exist
Life wasn't there
I could breathe
On my own
And I still had my
Some how, I knew
That my left side would
That my left arm would
That her scar would fade,
That I would live,
And that I would
Che' 7/1/97 all rights reserved