We sat mesmerized by the power of Baez's voice. The dimly lit auditorium was still; no people shifting in their seat noises, no program papers rustling...just Baez. When she began singing Diamonds and Rust, I looked over and noticed that Connie was crying silently. I reached out and took her hand. She grasped me tightly and when her waves subsided she relaxed her grip but left her hand inside mine. As our touch became more familiar, she slowly started to play with my fingers. I was filled with that excited contentment that the simplest of touches oftentimes brings. We found ourselves looking at each other and smiling. I sat there gazing at Connie lost in that smile, my hand waltzing with hers, with the beauty of Baez in the background. I wanted to kiss Connie then and there. I felt like a teenager in the back row of a movie theatre. I restrained my impulse and brought her hand to my lips in gentle kiss. She leaned in closer to me and when her leg rubbed against mine it felt as though a flint had started a spark that ignited the kindling and had started a slow burn in my being. The rest of the program was blurred by my awareness of Connie. I felt her next to me and I wanted to feel her on me. We sat holding hands through the rest of the concert...letting go long enough to applaud in the correct places. When the lights came up and we separated my hand suffered from separation anxiety.
I helped her with her coat; we waited our turns at the rest room then walked out to the parking lot. The snow had just started to fall. I took her arm as we walked through the parking lot toward the car. When we got to the car, I opened her door for her and could feel her soft breath on my face.
I walked over to my side, unlocked the door, got in and started the engine. I wiped the snow of the windshield with the wipers.
"She's old. We better let her warm up a bit before we take off."
"So, what'd you think of the concert?"
"It was magical...my hand misses yours though." I took her hand.
"Thank you for everything."
"May I kiss you?"
"Please" She leaned in closer; I brushed her hair from her face and I lightly touched my mouth to hers. When she increased the pressure, I felt my composure give way and I struggled to get it back. It had been well over a year since I'd been kissed and six years since I had kissed anyone but Max. Our kisses had become platonic over the years and then had become nonexistent. I had missed kissing. My emotions were boiling at the surface and I was afraid of scaring Connie. My fears disappeared when Connie traced my lips with her tongue. I groaned softly and opened to her, taking her inside me...she unleashed her own hunger on me. She began shaking violently, as though she was seizing, and I pulled her to me.
"You okay, Hon?"
"Yes" She continued to kiss me. I wanted to keep her safe; I wanted to hold her; I wanted to keep her; I wanted to be her lover. Our kisses became more familiar as we enjoyed the uniqueness of our dance. We sat kissing and holding each other for a very long time. The parking lot was clear and the snow was falling much harder.
"We'd better head out" She said.
"UH huh." I wasn't sure I remembered how to operate the car. Luckily, it was an automatic. "I don't want to let you go." I didn't want whatever spell we'd fallen under to be broken.
"I know me neither." We kissed again and then I began the drive homeward.
"You okay, Connie?"
"Yeah, how about you?"
"I'm more than okay. You're one hellova kisser."
"Thanks, not much practice lately."
"Me neither...was that your ah...you know first kiss with a woman?"
" My second, the first one was a very long time ago." There was that same look I saw in her office at lunch that day...the same one that had brought her tears in the auditorium.
"Did someone hurt you, Hon?" She was quiet for a while before she answered. Then her voice was very soft and her speech was strangled.
"It was my friend who used to sing Diamonds and Rust. We were sophomores in college and I loved her. One night we were in the TV lounge in the basement of our dorm. We'd locked the door to keep the drunks out. She'd brought her guitar with her...liked the acoustics of the room. She sat and played and sang-- beautiful love songs. I listened to her. I felt that every song was directed at me. She looked up. I was staring at her. I told her that I loved her. Then I kissed her. She looked at me like she was gonna puke. She called me a freak and ran out of the room. We didn't talk after that. A few days later I got a boyfriend. She moved into a different dorm and I didn't see her again until just before we graduated. I told her Ian and I were getting married. I never told anyone about Jess. I never let myself think about other women... until that day we had lunch in my office. Now, you're all I think about." I pulled the car over, unbuckled my seatbelt, and took her into my arms.
"I'm sorry. You're not a freak...you're absolutely beautiful. I want to kiss you, again, and again and again." The last again was smothered by her mouth. I willed my kisses to take the pain from that other woman's stupidity away. I found myself loving Connie.
"Take me home. We still have that pineapple upside down cake to eat."
"Oh yeah, the cake."
"You do want dessert?"
"Yes, very much." I had to be so careful. I felt a bit shaky myself. My feelings for her were overwhelming. I rebuckled my seatbelt and we drove off. Her hand rested on my thigh.
"Tell me about your first girl kiss." She drew circles on my thigh with her fingertips.
"Her name was Peggy. We were 15 and had always hung out together. When we were little we used to build cabins in the woods-- we swore like sailors and snuck cigarettes. When we got older we hung out in the dug outs at the little league field and drank beer. One night we were alone. It was October. We had a few and wound up making out...we felt each other up. The next day we didn't talk about it. She never came to the dug outs again. She married Tommy Legasse and they have four kids. I never kissed boys after that."
"Stupid Peggy." she squeezed my thigh.
"Yeah, she doesn't know what she missed." I laughed. It was a mirthless chuckle tainted by memory's sting.
"So, you never did it with a man?"
"Almost. Before Peggy, I made out with my friend Jake. We never went all the way. Last summer I saw him marching in the Pride parade. We talked in the park for a while afterwards and laughed like hell over why we never did each other."
"Ian was my only. Sex was okay...I hardly ever you know." She turned a shade that definitely clashed with her hair.
"You poor baby." I wanted to remedy that situation. SLOW DOWN. Things were starting to snowball and I wanted to take my time. I wasn't sure that she was ready for more than kisses.
"I hoped we'd kiss tonight. I almost kissed you while we were doing dishes tonight. I didn't want you to think I was easy."
"I tried not to stare at you. I didn't want you to think I was hitting on you."
"I knew as soon as you held my hand at the concert, I was sure."
"Sure about what?"
"Sure that I want to get to know you."
"I want to get to know you, too." She kissed my hand and held it to her cheek.
"Can we cuddle when we get to my house?"
"For as long as you want to."
"Want to be in your arms. I want more kisses. I want…"
"Want what, Hon? What do you want?"
"Don't know, Just want to be with you."
"I'm not goin' anywhere." I wanted to scream the words for my feelings. It was much too soon.
The snow was starting to fall more heavily and the roads were slick. I concentrated on getting to Connie's house safely. She held my hand and sang along to the radio. A while later, I pulled into her driveway. The wind had picked up and it was snowing much harder.
"You want to come in or do you want to go home...storm's getting pretty bad." I kissed her.
"What do you want?"
"I want you." She wrapped her lips around my tongue in emphasis.
"Ah um...Oh my. I guess I could come in for cake... you did go through all the trouble of baking it and it would be pretty rude of me to refuse."
"You're much too well mannered for that. Let's go inside." We got out of the car and waded up the stairs to her house; She unlocked the door and held it open for me. Once inside the house, she took off her coat and we removed our boots.
"May I take your coat?"
"Uh huh." I took of my coat and handed it to her. She dropped both the coats onto the floor and opened her arms to me. I was captured by our first full-bodied embrace. I loved the length of her. I have a thing for taller women. She lowered her head and we began kissing...our bodies found their own waltz. We kissed until I felt my knees would buckle. She stepped back, took me by the hand and led me to the couch. She sat down and pulled me to her. Her kisses were hungry and I found myself straddling her lap. Her mouth found my neck and she began running her lips up and down from my earlobe to my collarbone. The year or so without being touched washed over me.
"Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"
"Uh huh." She laughed and continued kissing my neck, flicking her tongue and suckling. She slid her hand beneath the back of my shirt. My flesh was on fire.
"Connie, slow down...we'll get there." I wanted to bring her out with all the love and respect that she deserved ... At this rate; I was ready to just lay her down and do her.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No. Too right. I need to calm down a bit. It's been a while I want this to be right for you." I got off her lap and I sat beside her. I took her in my arms and I kissed her forehead. We held and stroked each other. I sat and looked into her eyes and gave her sweet gentle kisses. Gentle kisses grew stronger as our heat built. I wanted her more than anything and I wanted to be good for her. "May I touch you here?" I ran my index finger along the seam of her bra cup.
"Yes." At that moment, she made my hand very happy. Her breathing quickened and her kisses became wild.
"I want you."
"Yes." Take your time. Her hand slipped under my shirt and she returned my caress. We wound up horizontal on the couch wrapped around each other locked, with our lower bodies grinding. I felt her shudder against my thigh. I was pretty close to the edge myself. I kissed her and held her closely as she calmed.
"A little embarrassed."
"Now that we've taken the edge off a bit, may I make love to you?"
"Please. Let's go to bed... wanna sleep over?"
"It's snowing pretty hard out there. Still haven't had my cake...I'll stay."
"I'll give you cake." She kissed me soundly and led the way to her bedroom…
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