"Surrender" Chapter One
The Affair of the Heart
My Harley felt good underneath me. I found that riding
fast and free made me feel so much better. I had gotten a call from
Maria, it was the usual. She had about two hours and wanted me to
meet her at our spot. I had jumped at the chance. I never thought
I would be the type of woman, who, at 35, would drop anything for another
woman. But, she was different. She couldn’t embarrass her parents
and our relationship had to remain a secret. I had been seeing her
for almost six months now. She would spend a few nights at my house,
or we would meet for dinner and sneak to a secluded park or our favorite,
the pond that I was now headed to. She was so beautiful. I
remembered everything about her. I remembered how her hair fell on
my shoulders and my arm, when she nuzzled into me and laid her head on
my chest. The smell of her hair aroused me deep inside. She
had the softest, wavy, thick, dark brown hair. Spanish ancestry had
been good to her; she had the look and class of a queen. Her distinction
belied the fact that her family was dirt poor, hard workers who couldn’t
get out of poverty. She didn’t mind. She had her Lord, her
loved ones and most of all, and she had me.
When she met me at the library, she stared for at least a half-hour.
I had noticed her watching me, never moving. Finally I went to her,
knowing she was too young for me, knowing that there was no way she was
a lesbian, but I went over to her anyway. Our conversation had been
short. I had asked if there was something wrong. Her answer
was blatant. She had said, “No. You are beautiful. I
can’t quit looking at you. I hope you aren’t offended.” My
heart had lightened immediately, I hadn’t minded at all. My reply
had been distinct, short and also pointed. I had said, “No.
I don’t mind at all, if you would like to meet me for dinner later, I would
love it?” She had accepted and we had gone for our first date that
evening. Since then, we had spent time on the phone, met at odd times
and just gotten to know each other. We had an instant rapport and
I had taught her what it was like to know a woman. I was her first.
The highway sped beneath me. The wind blowing my dark
hair against my shoulders, around my leather jacket. It was kind
of chilly going this fast. I couldn’t wait to see her. Maria’s
parents had been having a hard time with one of the children, Maria’s younger
sister, Monica. Because of that, Maria had to do a lot of the work
around the house and care for the six other children, all under the age
of 12. She also attended her third year of med school; she was going
to be a pediatrician. She was brilliant. She had worked her
way through school until this year, when one of her professors had approached
her and asked if she would accept a scholarship program that allowed her
to financially complete school without paying another cent. She had
called me that night, after she got home and had celebrated with her parents.
She had asked me to meet her at an out-of-the-way restaurant. Upon
arriving, I had been surprised...we were the only ones there, no customers
and no staff. Maria’s friend, Tony, owned the business and let her
use it. She had made us dinner and later that night, we made love
for the first time. It was fabulous. I had memories of that
night ingrained in my brain. Her seducing me with music from a juke
box. The dessert she had made, fresh strawberries and a sugary cream,
dipped and dripped all over her, as she had seductively undressed, little
by little...dripping the cream down her breasts as she watched my reaction....
And let me lick it off, finally feeding me the strawberry. I hadn’t
been able to control myself. I made love to her right there...and
surprisingly enough; she made love to me too. She was skilled for
a first time lesbian. She followed my every move. I had inquired
about it later, she said she just did to me what she had dreamed of me
doing to her for months as she lay in bed at night. After that, she
had snuck away for whole nights with me. Not often, but the quality
was well worth the wait. She was so sexy. And, so very seductive.
She was hot-blooded and passionate. Her demeanor by day nothing like
her wanton passion in my bed.
I pulled my bike into the crest of trees, knowing I would probably
be there before she got there. I loved watching for her to come down
the path. She walked with such a grace and charm. And, I loved
seeing her light up when she saw me. I knew that she would be thinking
of me. I finally found someone who felt as I did mutuality; she really
loved me. She never hid her feelings, when she was mad, she let me
have it. When she was unhappy, she shared with me why. When
she wanted to love me, she let me know it. She was honest and pure;
no one had ruined her yet. I cherished my time with her. When
away from her, I would work and spend time with friends, but my mind and
my heart never left her. I wondered what she was doing, what her
life that she couldn’t share with me was like. At times I felt myself
falling into her, but knew I had to keep my head above water, and not let
myself fall for her. Her parents couldn’t handle her being a lesbian.
The topic of conversation one night had been her problem being
a lesbian. She told me that she could never come out of the closet,
never have the dream of being married to me, of having children with me,
sharing that with her family. Her cousin, Jaime, was gay. The
family had been shamed, disgraced, overwhelmed. She had watched them
knowing that she was a lesbian, she watched his parents kick him out of
the family, they no longer welcomed him as part of their own. Jamie
had been so distraught about losing his family that he became promiscuous.
Later that year, he had found out he had AIDS. Aunt Rosina still
wouldn’t let him back in the family, he was a disgrace and now he was being
paid back by the disease of gays. Maria had been devastated.
She had known that she was a lesbian from the time she was 8, and now she
knew that to bare that truth to them, she would lose them. Jamie
died alone, without family, not even Maria was allowed to see him, that
would be defacing the family.
There were eight children in her family and she was the oldest.
There was no way she could handle living without the children. They
were her own. They couldn’t think that lowly of her, she had cried
to me about how much she loved me and that we would never have more than
we did now; a few night snuck away, a few meetings throughout the week,
and nothing like what she wanted with me. I just let her tell me about
it. I knew that one day, she would surrender to her passion and either
leave her family or leave me. One of the other would have to happen.
I knew she felt as I did, that there would never be another woman that
compared to the other. She was bright, intelligent, articulate, compassionate,
caring, loving, seductive, playful, savvy, classy, and I was in love.
Even I knew I couldn’t hide it long enough to fool myself. If she
could live like this, then I could too. I would wait until she left
me for her family; I would just share with her while I could. Sometimes
I was confident love would succumb, it would win out, that it would be
enough; other times, I didn’t think love was enough. I wish I didn’t
go back and forth so much. I knew we loved each other and for her,
I would give her up, so that she could have her family. I loved her
I saw her break onto the path. My face went immediately
into the permanent grin that she drew out of me. She saw me as I
saw her and she ran to me. I was still on my cycle and she climbed
right on in front of me, straddling the bike and me at the same time.
I kissed her. My lips tore at hers in hunger. I pulled her
close as if to say that we were one. I kissed her neck, behind her
ear and heard her whisper my name.
“Shane....” She was hoarse. Her whisper barely
My reply was easy, “Maria, I love you, baby.” I kissed
her again. My lips softer, expressing my love for her, without hunger
this time. My hands on her back, softly cradling her. I reached
to take off my jacket and she helped me. I had on Levi’s and a white
tank top. Matching her outfit exactly, except I had on the leather
jacket. I knew she loved my jacket, many a night we took off on the
cycle and she would wear my jacket and wrap us both in it as we rode.
I put the jacket around her softly taking her in my arms. I didn’t
know why I was here, possibly just some extra time, maybe something special
had happened, maybe nothing. But, it was my time with her and I loved
every minute I got to spend.
I tipped my head to hers, we called it the “meeting of our
minds”, she had come up with it one night, after we made love. She
laid her forehead against mine and told me that we never had to speak words
again, we would merely lay our heads together and read each other’s minds.
It was a nice concept. Many times we would get frustrated at not
being able to spend much time together and we would have a “meeting of
the minds” and just relish in the few moments we got together. I
laid my forehead on hers, so that she could read that I loved her.
She closed her eyes and I watched her calm with me. But, I could
tell something was on her mind. Maybe I would just read through it,
not have to have the words that I began to dread.
“Baby, what is it?” We stayed in our “meeting of minds”
position and she kept her eyes closed as she began to speak to me, softly
and sweetly, as her voice always was.
“I have an offer to study abroad. I got it today.
I would spend six months in Europe at different hospitals, interning under
Dr. McAllister.” She sighed and pulled me closer.
Wow! That was out of the blue. It was bad enough
to not see her for a couple of days, let alone six months. How I
must be supportive. Her career was as important to her as mine was
to me. She supported my work so well, even the nights when she had
to put up with my working late, while she was there. Being an attorney
wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. The research alone was devastating
to time, but when I was working on a case, like the one I had when I first
met Maria, I spent 15 hours a day working. That is how I met her,
researching in the library for the case I was prosecuting. I could
do this; I was psyching myself up.
“Honey, that is wonderful. What an opportunity.”
I tried to sound joyous.
“But I won’t see you, I can’t go that long without seeing you,
Shane. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. And, with
Monica being so rebellious, how will mama handle it. It’s not good
timing.” She laid her head on my shoulder, I could feel the tears
start to roll down my shoulder and arm.
“There, there sweetness. It’s okay. I am sure we
can talk this out. Let’s look at it rationally. Can we do that?”
I pulled her softly to my sight, my hands cradling her beautiful face,
prompting her to open her eyes and look at me. “Babe, look at me...please.”
She kissed me, hard and passionately, never opening her eyes, prodding
me to explore with her depths that only we knew from each other.
She pried my lips open and dove into my mouth, seeking my tongue to play
with her, to dance our dance. Her hands roving my back, scratching
faintly with her nails. I kissed her back, showing her how hungry
I was, it had been almost a week since we had really gotten anything more
than time on the phone. Finally she gave up and pulled away, it must
not have made her quit thinking. I knew that was what she wanted;
such an angel, yet she thought too much. It was always making her
crazy. She worried about everything.
She spoke again, husky and raspy, “You are so beautiful, Shane,
so very beautiful. I don’t want to be away from you anymore than
I am now. I lay at wake at night and I think of you. I want
you, I want us.” She was intense today. I didn’t know what
to do, but I knew she had been in thought with this sometime and couldn’t
make a decision.
“Wanna go for a ride?” Sometimes that helped; at least
I could suggest it. She would talk to me as we rode, easier when
she didn’t have to look into my eyes probably, but she had the safety of
her arms around me.
“Yea, let’s cruise the pond slowly.” It was our favorite
thing to do. We would ride very slowly and just talk, being close.
It wasn’t real safe for us at the pond, too close to her house.
“Or, honey, would you like to go to my house? We have
enough time to spend at least a little time...” I let it draw out,
so she could think about it.
She smiled, “I would love to go home.”
That was it, I kissed her softly and helped her get off my
lap and on the back of the bike. I revved up the engine and off we
went. She wrapped us both in my jacket and held on, sliding one hand
down the front of my Levi’s, over my jeans, making me moan audibly.
“Not fair, Maria, so not fair.” My words coming out like the moan
that I let slip. She didn’t care, she continued to move her hand
across the seam of my Levi’s, making me crazy. The vibration of the
cycle, her hand on my jeans, running up and down so slowly and softly.
I was losing control. I leaned back on her as we rode the ten miles
to my house. It was a very long drive. At one point, the guy
in a car next to us about had an accident, when he figured out what she
was doing. Maria kindly pointed him out to me, so we could both throw
him some smiles. We laughed. Even in my aching, I laughed with
her as we watched him lose his control, nearly careening off the road.
Finally we ended up in front of my house. It was a whole new ballgame
at my house. Maria turned into a completely different creature, so
much freer than at the pond. At the pond she was always worried someone
from her neighborhood would come up and out us. Here she was herself.
As we pulled up, her hand moved from my crotch to my breasts,
teasing me as she giggled and slipped off the bike. I could barely
“oooookay,” I said, as I got off the bike, in great
pain. She was gonna pay for this and she knew it, by the look I gave
her. My jeans were wet and she was proud. She ran up the walkway
to my porch, screened in, and opened the door. She then acted like
she could keep me out, by holding onto the screen door. “Oh please,
you think that would keep you from me? I would tear strips of wood
off the house to get to you, my love. So give up now.” We had
become so playful; I loved playing with her.